I feel the need to ramble or wallow or rejoice or vent or just... go on and on. But without someone to reason with me or the need for a comment. Then I remember this is what the blog world is for, right?
Oh, sassyutterance, how I've missed you so.
Maddox will be 2 in exactly one month. As this sets in my mind thinks a lot about the last two years. I found myself the other day trying to think back on when life wasn't crazy and then I realized it was ME. Allow me to entertain you (with a list I sent to my mother and said, "I'm sorry for the last ten years being so hectic" and then sent to my best friend to which she replied, "Mine as well do it big, right?").
2006: Dumped cheating boyfriend of 6.5 years, went to Honduras (first time out of the country), decided to "apply" to go to West Africa, met and started dating Kyle.
2007: Found out I was really going to Africa, graduated college, was our church's youth intern, completed an unpaid Child Life Internship in Baton Rouge.
2008: Spent the year in West Africa - rode a camel, saw the Sahara Desert, visited Timbuktu - then came home and got engaged.
2009: got a gig as a teacher for 6 months in a private school, decided to be a teacher as a full time profession, got married, moved to Pineville, got a dog, bought a house.
2010: traveled a lot, went to Disney for the first time with work, attempted to figure out married life.
2011: got pregnant, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again
2012: Had a little stud muffin Hudson, changed jobs, hated new job.
2013: graduated from Grad School as a pregnant momma, got dream job, Had Maddox
2014: sent Maddox to daycare, Hudson almost bit his tongue off, 3 hospital stays with Maddox, sold old house and bought a new home on the same day
2015: many many decision making doctors appointments, Hudson cut his nose (at a bowling alley!), and raised $40K and headed to Cali with my wee tot!
What the mess?! How does this life happen? AND... we still manage to put one foot in front of the other. I write this "list" to remind myself of when it was hard and we survived. When my life was insane and yet I grew. One night I gave my "testimony" at our church and I wasn't sure what I'd say, but all I kept thinking was how this was NOT the life I had planned. So that's what I talked about. I talked about Maddox of course, but my "testimony" isn't just of his life but of my own. I've always had drama and made it interesting, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was preparing me for this life right now.
Other than living somewhere I never thought I would, I also have a new family. A new group of women that get me more than anyone and all but 1 I have never met. I talk a lot about "the moms of kids like Maddox". These moms are all part of a group called the Hope for HIE Forum. It's an amazing outlet of support. The saying goes that the first year is the hardest and then after that you truly find a groove with these kiddos and I couldn't agree more. I'll see mom's post about uncontrolled crying, arching nonstop, irritability, etc and I just smile because I've been there. Me and Kyle never thought we'd emotionally survive that first year. And, yet, we somehow didn't kill each other. These ladies are my go to. If there's a question I ask them before I EVER ask a doctor. From equipment, to spit up, to noises, to head control, to good God will he EVER ride in a carseat! These gals (and a couple dads) are my fav. There's a story that's been posted a few times on "the Forum" and today I finally read it. And good grief it's amazing, but sadly I don't know the author. Of course, there's no biblical principal to this... but the thought behind it all is awesome.
"Most women become mothers by accident, some boy choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make note in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint, Mathew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilla.
Rudledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Then finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," says god. "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today and she has that feeling of self and dependence that is so rare and necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I'm not even sure she believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone for I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" ask the angel, pen poised midair.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."
Okay now, I'm no saint. (maybe thought for being the only female with a husband, two boys, and a male dog...) But oh the thoughts this little story provoked in me. My hope is that I can live up to the expectations God's got for me. And that he can continue to show grace to me when I don't.
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| When his arms are held at this height, his head does amazing things! |
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| I really love them together |
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| My goal is for him to have actual intent and the "want to". If he has those two things we can learn everything else! I love this picture because he was so serious. |
And... Because sometimes we just need to look like cranky pants
