Friday Five

1. I love listening to Hudson sing bible songs: Zacheus, This Little light of Mine, Lords Army, etc

2. Yesterday was the first day I honestly believed that Maddox will smile one day. His eye contact is improving so much.

3. Kyle and I had big plans to finally take Maddox to church this Sunday... But Kyle is now going to help his dad at the camp (much needed father son time), so His Church will meet Maddox next week!

4. My last week at home has officially ended. Monday Maddox has a neuro appt in BR, Tuesday is a trial run at daycare, and Wednesday I'll leave him :( 

5. I'm blissfully exhausted 

Sorry for the poor quality - Hudson insisted that I fold each of their quilts so they could lie together on the floor. 

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that we have figured out (we hope) the fix for the car seat. Apparently Maddox has a spot on the back of his head that is sensitive so we put a roll under his neck. I'm thankful that the past 4 car rides have been quiet. 

I'm thankful for catching sweet moments like this.

I'm thankful that the Jeremy Camp Panfora station is granting us all more sleep.

I'm thankful that this little amazing boy and our "first kid" are becoming good buddies. The way Hudson squeals while playing with him is fan-freaking-tastic

Wanting

I never knew what it mean to want so badly until I had Maddox. 

When Hudson was born I instantly saw his whole future. I can remember clearly thinking and daydreaming of all he's become. Each giggle warmed my heart and each grin locked me in. I knew he'd be full of energy and life. I want him to conquer the world and I've never doubted the joy he'd feel in every adventure. 

Maddox makes me ache. I ache in the way I never knew existed. I ache because I love him. Not more. Not less. Different. I look at his blank eyes and wonder what he thinks. What does he feel. Is he happy? I crave for his happiness to be present. My heart's whole desire for him is to be joyful in the way that only God can provide... And selfishly, I want to see physical signs of his happiness. I long daily for a grin to stretch across his face, for his eyebrows to raise in awareness of my presence. I ache because I need to know he's happy. 

God is working on me. He's healing my heart through this journey with my Maddox. He shows me how Maddox loves me in the way that only I can calm him. Some days he only finds rest in my arms... And so often those are days I've needed rest in His arms. 

Hudson, 

You love Maddox more and more with each day and I'm so grateful for that. I know now why you are my first born. Your spirit is what's going to carry us through so much. I know that you'll always love your Maddox. I pray daily that you always unselfishly care for him the way you do now. I never want you to be defined by only being a big brother. You are unique and amazing. So many words describe you yet not one word seems to fit. Always be awesome.

Love your momma

Maddox,

Baby... Just smile. One day. It doesn't have to be now. Always know that from the second I laid eyes on you I started to want the whole world for you. I'll carry you through this entire life if I have to. 

Love your momma

My boys together

Hudson flying like Peter Pan

Maddox in one of my favs of Hudson's