Low point

When you expect the lows, it's so easy to lean on the One Supporter you've been taught to look to your whole life while being raised in a Christian home.

The low comes when the normal is tough. In a matter of 10 days... I had my low. I had my faith tested. I had my breakdown.

Day one: Thing Two quits breathing in the car. I pull over and fix problem.

Day two: take Thing Two to pediatrician for extreme irritability. Get GTube placement checked, decide to slow down frequency and amts of feeds.

Day three and four: experience watching Thing Two go through withdrawals.

Day Five: get news that one of my favorites is in ICU after delivering her own babe days earlier. Hear odd sound while home with both boys... Pipe busted under the house, take family to Inlaws at 10:45pm

Day six: come back home, but Thing Two doesn't sleep at all.

Day seven: get home from work and have absolutely no hot water. Back to the Inlaws.

Day eight: back home, water fixed. Thing Two is still having increased irritability, he's inconsolable and not sleeping. Thing One screaming in tub of ear pain. (Prayed away an infection) momma breaks down.

Day nine: make call to neurologist... thing two is now on a new med. Worst night with him. 

Day ten: still extreme irritability. Pediatrician calls in med for reflux, hoping this will bring relief. Now we wait.

Why do I write it down?

Because this week was the worst. Worse than the nicu days. This week I had to watch my baby's face lose color. I've held him while he arched so hard in my arms that I can hardly hold on to him. Ive continued to struggle with a two year old angry boy that has consumed my once giddy one year old. I've craved normalcy. I've cried hard. I've gone on about two hours of sleep. I've learned the new definition of what it means to be a momma.

But in this week, I've known Im human. I CANT do this. This week I've known that Gods got to handle it for me. 

So, future Rachel... When it gets tough, remember this week in time. Remember how it felt to finally cry and hand it over to the only One that can handle it all. Remember how it felt to be helpless and how it felt to accept His help. And when you remember that, know that whatever feels tough will pass. 

When he's upset and finally rests, it does my heart good to see him relaxed. These moments are few and far between. 

Thankful for happiness.

House hunting

This is stressful. Enjoyable. Bittersweet.

Keeping my house clean daily so that potential buyers can come see is a nice change of oace from the cluttered mess we generally live in. It doesn't seem to get out of hand. I love my old house full of charm, creaky floors, and amazing baseboards and trim.

Looking at new houses brings so many emotions. It's a house that one day Kyle and I will bring more new children home in. It'll be the house that builds backyard memories on a street that my children will learn to ride bikes on. It'll be the house that we continue to embrace Maddox's journey in and with that, I find myself holding it to a higher regard. 

What if he needs a walker or wheelchair? Are the entry ways wide enough? Is the flooring smooth enough? Will he ever feel like it's comfortable for him? Finding a good fit for now is different than I thought it would be. 

But... For our boys, we'll find what our family needs and we'll leave this house to someone staring their own chapter. In Gods time, this will line out.