"Man Crush Monday"

Where'd all this come from? Man crush Monday, woman crush Wednesday, throwback Thursday.... Geeze

I could tell you all about how dreamy Chris Pine is and how his voice makes me giggle even as a committed married woman, but I'm pretty sure that's just ridiculous. Or I could even indulge my imagination and think about Dan Uggla in baseball pants, but I'll pass.

I'm married to my Kyle. Is he my man crush? Not every day. But he's my husband and I'm stuck with (I mean...) I'm going to be with him forever. I love him even when he's not doing all the right things, saying the right things, or wearing what I would've picked out. A wise kid told us in our premarital counseling never to let anyone hear us speak ill of each other. I'm so guilty. 

Let's be honest. 

Kyle can drive me bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. (Did u sing some Gwen right there? I sure did) but good grief I know I drive him nuts. So, for my own reasons... Mainly to look at tomorrow when he doesn't say the right thing, here's why I love him.

1. He's an amazing dad. Even when he has a lapse in judgement, gets sucked in to a braves game, or just doesn't think, his boys are his world. He loves them and I love how they love him.

2. He supported me even when it was hard. He promised to love me countries apart and stood by that promise. He loves me when I don't make the decision he'd pick.

3. He taught me to love. I thought I knew what it was. Nah. He showed me what it meant to heal and have a partner who loves like Christ does. Somehow he loves me no matter what.

4. He was a kid on our honeymoon and every day since. If id let him plan every vacay it'd be all about fun. He keeps me going and even though it's usually sports related that's alright. He let me get married in between football and baseball season so that on anniversaries I'd get a chance to have him to myself with no sports agenda. 

5. Five years and two kids later, he still looks at me like this. He's the first to make up. He tries to apologize. He hates to be at odds with me. He tries to always make it better. And he doesn't realize how good I've got it. 

Here's to many more years with this terd. No "mcm's" for me. Just my forever friend who I get to kiss whenever I want... If he's lucky. 

6 months

My dearest Maddox,

Today you are six months old. We have had some of the happiest and hardest moments these past six months. You have taught me a different level of love and faith than I ever knew imaginable. You are prayed for and adored by so many. You are so special.

You can:

- raise your head 90 degrees on your belly

- semi-sit up when propped

- hold a gaze

- follow objects

- roll over from belly to back (only 4 times)

What we are working on:

- that dadgum oral aversion. You're capable of sucking and I've seen you swallow, cough, and gag. But you are so sensitive to your mouth and gums that you won't let anything in. I'm praying this away daily.

- head control! You're doing better at holding it up but I wouldn't say you've mastered it. I keep telling you that if you're ever gonna walk you gotta pick that head up! You don't seem to mind. :)

- grasping objects. You can hold things when placed in your hand but you don't reach for things. One day you will and you'll find a whole new world!

- reflux. Feeding tubes suck for reflux issues. I promise I'm trying to make it better. We'll get it figured out soon.

Keeping taking your time sweet boy. Me and your daddy are here for the long haul. I'll love you more each day and I'll push you more and more to be anything you're capable of. These six months have been so difficult but I wouldn't trade one single day. You, my second born boy, are a green eyed beauty. Your eyes are so soulful and they tell me so much daily. 

I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds. 

Love, 

Your momma 

Mommyhood

What defines us as a parent?

When I had one precious 11 month old happy boy I thought it was:

- do I have enough pictures?

- do I have enough pictures of the monuments?

- will his birthday party be up to par?

- are we playing enough?

- am I letting him watch too much tv?

- is he "well-behaved"?

- is he eating the right things?

- does he know what church is?

- why isn't he walking?

Now, life is different. It's a world that is truly changing my definition of a parent. I realize I don't have time to worry over pettiness. The time I do have is the 15 minutes it takes me to pump milk for my almost 6 month old who won't even taste the "liquid gold". It's when I beg to go to the grocery store alone and just wander before ever putting an item in the buggy. It's the quiet of the house while Thing 1's lullabies play over the monitor and thru the halls.

Now, Im not sure what I feel about a definition. Am I a good mom? Who the crap cares. I am a mom. I am living a life I never imagined. My big bright brown eyed boy is driving me insane because he is a holy terror of a two year old. (Yes I said it... HOLY TERROR) he almost bit his tongue off this week. Four nurses, me, and three stitches later we're on the mend. I love my two year old in the moments when he begs to be rocked, when he reminds us to pray, and when he tells us to "stop it" when we argue. He is amazing. Amazingly crazy.

And then there's always my miracle. Thing 1 made me a momma and Thing 2 is slowly evolving me. I never knew that patience would mean waiting still after 6 months and not seeing his smile. I never knew guilt would mean feeling anguish over the debate of "to keep pumping or to quit" because I'm tired but I have it so to stop would be selfish.... But the thought of putting formula in that feeding tube grosses me out. I never knew joy would be found in a combination of medicines that sound too strong for my baby who hardly holds his own head up.

What does parenting mean these days? Survival. Joy. Peace. Partnership. 

Resting in the arms of the One who carries me when it's hard to move my feet is all I can do. I am learning to truly rely not only on God, but on my husband. I told my boss today, "this has been the hardest 6 months of my life and I've lived in a third world country!" 

I've said define a lot. Define is a box to be put in. I don't do well with boxes, labels, expectations. So... What's a momma? 

We'll see what tomorrow makes me be.