Mommyhood

What defines us as a parent?

When I had one precious 11 month old happy boy I thought it was:

- do I have enough pictures?

- do I have enough pictures of the monuments?

- will his birthday party be up to par?

- are we playing enough?

- am I letting him watch too much tv?

- is he "well-behaved"?

- is he eating the right things?

- does he know what church is?

- why isn't he walking?

Now, life is different. It's a world that is truly changing my definition of a parent. I realize I don't have time to worry over pettiness. The time I do have is the 15 minutes it takes me to pump milk for my almost 6 month old who won't even taste the "liquid gold". It's when I beg to go to the grocery store alone and just wander before ever putting an item in the buggy. It's the quiet of the house while Thing 1's lullabies play over the monitor and thru the halls.

Now, Im not sure what I feel about a definition. Am I a good mom? Who the crap cares. I am a mom. I am living a life I never imagined. My big bright brown eyed boy is driving me insane because he is a holy terror of a two year old. (Yes I said it... HOLY TERROR) he almost bit his tongue off this week. Four nurses, me, and three stitches later we're on the mend. I love my two year old in the moments when he begs to be rocked, when he reminds us to pray, and when he tells us to "stop it" when we argue. He is amazing. Amazingly crazy.

And then there's always my miracle. Thing 1 made me a momma and Thing 2 is slowly evolving me. I never knew that patience would mean waiting still after 6 months and not seeing his smile. I never knew guilt would mean feeling anguish over the debate of "to keep pumping or to quit" because I'm tired but I have it so to stop would be selfish.... But the thought of putting formula in that feeding tube grosses me out. I never knew joy would be found in a combination of medicines that sound too strong for my baby who hardly holds his own head up.

What does parenting mean these days? Survival. Joy. Peace. Partnership. 

Resting in the arms of the One who carries me when it's hard to move my feet is all I can do. I am learning to truly rely not only on God, but on my husband. I told my boss today, "this has been the hardest 6 months of my life and I've lived in a third world country!" 

I've said define a lot. Define is a box to be put in. I don't do well with boxes, labels, expectations. So... What's a momma? 

We'll see what tomorrow makes me be.