Faith

It's crazy what this blog has turned in to. I started it because we were starting a family and if didn't live close to anyone I grew up with. I started it thinking I might have witty things to say. I started it because I thought I might have little quips about my kids to make people giggle.

Little did I know the cards I'd be dealt. Little did I know the plans ahead. 

Little did I know that this would be my outlet when I have amazing days and the lowest of days. 

The past few days with Maddox have been HARD. And honestly... No one gets it. There's a handful of people that really come close to understanding. Our moms, the amazing girls at daycare, our fabulous OT ladies,and some days Kyle. But no one really knows. It's so hard to hold your seven month old as he bites his lip til it bleeds while arching in to a complete letter C and you work every muscle you have to make him "break it up" without hurting him more. It hurts to watch him ache during feeds because reflux is so strong. It's hard to watch him twitch in his sleep because something somewhere is still hurting and momma can't find it to fix it. 

My faith is tested. My strength is tested. My endurance is tested.

I think... I know God has plans and only He knows them. Right now I'm learning so much about Miracles. He still performs them, ya know? I know. Good grief, this baby I hold nightly has a beating heart that stopped three times in the delivery room. I find myself praying for a miracle. A complete healing. I have faith that He can provide that. I really do. I speak the name of Jesus on my baby daily. I know that if God chooses to make him wake up tomorrow smiling, cooing, and sucking, He can. 

But I also know that I MUST accept that I may have the miracle already. This may be our life. This may be where we stand. My job title may just be permanently changed. I must remind myself that the miracle is that he came home on Dec 3rd and didn't go to his eternal home on Oct 24. 

Faith is accepting. 

Faith is trusting.

Faith is knowing you're not alone.

Mothers Day

I'll never forget the Mother's Day of 2011. More importantly I won't forget how that day felt. 

My D&C to end my miscarriage was on March 24 of that year. My first pregnancy didn't make it. It was devastating.

Mothers Day sucked. I remember feeling so incredibly empty. Feeling like nothing could "fix" that pain. I wanted to be a momma so bad it hurt. My mother in law gave me the sweetest card with a little crystal cross. I cherish it. That cross always reminds me of my first Mother's Day and the hope I found in Christ as I sat in church that morning and handed the fate of our family over to Him.

I ache for mommas that don't have a baby to hold on Mothers Day. Not girls or women that don't, but mommas. Because the second that test says positive, you become a mom. Whether it lasts the full 40 weeks or not. From that first heartbeat, you're in love and it's a different love than any other. To all of you who have had a baby return to God before you got to hold them, that pain is deep. I hate you've experienced it. I can only hope you've found healing. 

Handing things over is funny. The next month we found out we were pregnant with Hudson.

Happy Mother's Day, momma friends

good words

Common Questions:
"Hows it going?"
"Hows Maddox?"
"How are bottle feeds going? Is he sucking at all?"

Common comments:
"You're doing great, Rachel"
"He'll pull through this"
"Y'all are doing so good as a family"

My response?

Thank you. Thank you for being concerned. Thank you for loving us enough to ask and compliment. Thank you for the constant emotional support.

Also?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that our situation is complicated and you don't always know what to say or ask while wanting so badly to say the "right thing". I know its awkward. I know no one knows what to truly say. I know no one can fix it. I know that if I were you, I wouldn't know my role as a friend, stranger, passerby.

But God is great. A friend posted this song on FB this morning for me. I've never heard it before and I looked up the lyrics and was just taken aback by the awesomeness of it. Some days are the pits. Some days I wonder how this new world will affect our Hudson. I wonder what Maddox's level of "healing" will be. But today I was reminded.... WHO CARES. Who cares what that little boy can physically do. Who cares what it does to the HudStud. Who cares that this life is different than any I ever imagined. Yep, it'll be tough. Nope, I don't wish this on my baby. But, we are gonna face each day and be alright. Because, in the end... We win.

Here's the lyrics, too. :) Have a Happy Thursday.

Can't catch a break
You've had your fill of old clichés
Like "life is hard but God is good"
And even though it's true
It won't stop what you're going through
I wish that I could say it would

But He's outside of what you feel
It might not make sense
But one day it will

There's coming a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes
Hold on my brother, things are gonna better
You're gonna smile again
Cause we win in the end

You're standing still
Life has handed you a bitter pill
Once again you're on your face

You've got questions
Plenty of secret confessions
Wondering if you've run out of grace

But He's outside of what you feel
This life is just a moment
But our forever is sealed, oh yeah

It won't be about streets of gold, pearly gates
Harps and wings, diamond lakes
All I know is that He's gonna hold you, hold me
Heartache will disappear
Questions will become clear
Life will all make sense in the end

There's coming a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes
Hold on my brother, things are gonna better
You're gonna smile again
Cause we win in the end

Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah
We win in the end
We win in the end

One in a million

I like what life does with friends. I enjoy how each stage brings you a perfect right hand man for the blip of time that it is. If you're lucky, you snag someone who lasts past the blip. 

I feel like I've been blessed with keeping my "stage of life friends" forever. In college, I gained two girlfriends that I know I can't live without. 

This is my story of me and my Angie.

I've been to Honduras. Did you know that? Sometimes that two weeks is overshadowed by the fact that I moved to West Africa a year and a half later, but it was a great two weeks. I went with a group of college kids who I barely knew, and Angie was my roommate. We instantly hit it off and I even enjoyed her beau. 

The stories are endless. We've laughed so hard and cried even harder. 

Like that one time... I talked her in to buying the two piece that gave her permanent tan lines at Galveston Beach. 

Or the million times the four of us looked like this.

She gets me, ya know? She sees past my imperfections and constantly encourages me to live loudly in the skin God gave me. She shows me daily what it really means to be a Godly wife, mother, and friend. She's the real deal. 

She stood by me on the biggest day of my life. And every day since she hasn't let me kill him when he drives me nuts. 

We've had babies together and now she's going to welcome another peanut this fall. She selflessly has come to the needs of my family without even a blink of an eye.

Above all, she hasn't changed. She's loyal to her peeps and to her God and you just can't beat that. She loves Mac n Cheese from the box and a cold sweet tea, she moved to dumb ole Texas but is still Lousiana through and through, she's learned to make pretty legit cookies and can even cook for a party of 50 if she needs to, she loves pjs just as much as me, and she will probably correct any grammar mistakes I made.

But most importantly, she's my friend and I'm grateful for her. 

Happy birthday, Angie. Us Sassers just love ya.