Little did I know the cards I'd be dealt. Little did I know the plans ahead.
Little did I know that this would be my outlet when I have amazing days and the lowest of days.
The past few days with Maddox have been HARD. And honestly... No one gets it. There's a handful of people that really come close to understanding. Our moms, the amazing girls at daycare, our fabulous OT ladies,and some days Kyle. But no one really knows. It's so hard to hold your seven month old as he bites his lip til it bleeds while arching in to a complete letter C and you work every muscle you have to make him "break it up" without hurting him more. It hurts to watch him ache during feeds because reflux is so strong. It's hard to watch him twitch in his sleep because something somewhere is still hurting and momma can't find it to fix it.
My faith is tested. My strength is tested. My endurance is tested.
I think... I know God has plans and only He knows them. Right now I'm learning so much about Miracles. He still performs them, ya know? I know. Good grief, this baby I hold nightly has a beating heart that stopped three times in the delivery room. I find myself praying for a miracle. A complete healing. I have faith that He can provide that. I really do. I speak the name of Jesus on my baby daily. I know that if God chooses to make him wake up tomorrow smiling, cooing, and sucking, He can.
But I also know that I MUST accept that I may have the miracle already. This may be our life. This may be where we stand. My job title may just be permanently changed. I must remind myself that the miracle is that he came home on Dec 3rd and didn't go to his eternal home on Oct 24.
Faith is accepting.
Faith is trusting.
Faith is knowing you're not alone.
I love you...and I NEED to see your face.
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