I want to whine

(Sometimes this blog is to capture the good bad or ugly. Some days it's more of a diary of emotions for a momma surviving. Today is the latter. Don't continue of you'll cry or judge. This is purely for me.)

This weekend was great but it also sucked. Crap it sucked something awful. I feel like the older Maddox gets the more obvious his disabilities are. It's not just that it feels that way but it IS that way. This bothers me and then the fact that it bothers me bothers me. I don't want people to see what's wrong. But seeing so many people in one weekend (Halloween, homecoming, a bday party) just brings on so much. People who don't know him well try to talk to him or ask questions that are so off base it's almost comical. 

And traveling? It's a beast. I pack so much crap. Who ever would've thought I'd travel with a suction machine let alone use it and fear people hearing the disgusting noise of sucking my kids throat out?! It's so gross. But even at the young age of 1, I want Maddox to see it all. I don't want Hudson's life to stop because of Maddox either. So in order to do those two things, I get to tough it out and put on a smile.

This weekend I almost lost it though. I walked across a huge parking lot between tailgate spots and finally called my sister saying, "start walking my way - you've got to come help me" when she was in control of one of the two kids I finally put the other down and just cried. And cried. I wanted so badly to experience it like always but it wasn't the same and it's like it hit me like a ton of bricks that it never would be again. Maddox hated being cold, he hated being held, he hated being bundled. So here I am walking with a full diaper bag, an arching CP kiddo, and huddy whining at my feet. All the whole my nose was cold.  Days like that that continued all day with a cranky 1 year old just make me feel defeated. I miss my time with Hudson. I sent him in the game with his daddy and my sister and I missed it. I missed him loving the game and hating the mascot. I missed his first Tech game. 

Because I'm the momma. I'm Maddox's momma. Some days that title is just so damn heavy. I never want anyone else to have that title because it's mine and I earn it more every day. But oh how I miss normal.

All of this to say... There were triumphs. Rachel, always be able to find the triumphs. Maddox put himself to sleep in the car. It was divine. He's so beautiful. Actually both boys slept often. I wasn't spending every car ride in the back seat illegally holding my infant to keep him from gagging on all the excess saliva that comes with the full breakdowns of car rides (things I'd never thought I'd say....) we also took a walk around campus, showed Hudson all our bricks and took a lot of pictures (those will come in a better post). Kyle and I didn't yell too much. That's a plus.

And we celebrated Sarah's birthday. That was happy.

I must go to bed happy.