I was talking this week with a newfound momma friend about the frustrations of friendships now that we have special needs kiddos. We jokingly said there should be a "book for dummies" on what to and not to say/do to mommas with kids with special needs. After thinking about it, I really thought... why not?
So here's my top 10 list.
Top 10 ways to be the best friend to your best friend (who now has a whole new life)
1. She's still your friend. Buck up and allow her to cry in front of you, scream, vent, whatever. Don't give that frown when she finally feels strong enough to do it. If she's screaming that it sucks, commiserate! Don't try to be positive. Mommas with special needs kids are grieving, don't try to fix it. Because in the end, it's unfixable.
2. Bring food. This may not be true for everyone, but in our house, we're crazy. Now that we're a year in, we are rarely cooking and eating out way to much. So, if you have a day where you want to help and don't know what to do - take that family a home cooked meal. (the husband will appreciate home cooked goodness) BUT, don't drop it and leave!!! This is the biggest mistake. Stay. Visit. Play. Eat.
3. Don't ever EVER say cliche's. Ever! You're her friend!!! The whole world is bombarding her with "You're so strong", "You're an inspiration", "God only gives special kids to special mommas", etc. So, if everyone else is saying these perfectly kind, wonderful things that often feel like a big fat load of crap, don't join in. Just don't. One of my favorite girls will call me sometimes and if we talk about Maddox and she can tell I tear up her response is "Rachel this sucks and it's just not fair. But somehow I just know you've got it." Gah, I love her. Being genuine is what we need.
4. Still be you. Call to talk about your kids. Your life. Your crap husband (because all girls vent about husbands). Please! With a world changing event like a special needs kid, it feels like we're stuck sometimes. Stuck on this revolving carousel while everyone is just a blur on the outside. Please, remind us of what life is. If we have other kids, ask about them. Ask enough about our other kids that we remember to slow down and talk about them too. BUT, this comes with a sidenote. Be careful. I have a best friend who we now live apart, so we are "phone friends". Anytime she calls me and needs to vent, she prefaces it with something like: "I really need to vent about petty momma crap. I know it's petty but it's what I need. You up for that today?" The acknowledgement that I may not be able to hear it that day is all I need and she gets that. Because, sometimes, hearing that you're stressing over whether or not your two year old will smile for family pictures makes me want to punch you. Because I wonder if Maddox will be able to hold his head up in pictures. So, just make sure we're in the right mindset to hear it - that crap can blindside us like you'd never believe and we kind of turn in to crazy mommas the minute you hang up or walk away. (It's the truth.)
5. Let us gripe about our kid not being "normal" and how it's not fair and how life sucks and how "why does everyone else get normal kids" blah blah blah... and DON'T feel like it's directed toward you. You're my friend, remember? I love your kids and I love you. I love that your life involves a beautifully perfect kiddo. I'm not now nor will I ever be upset that this happened to me and not you. It's just hard.
6. Someone once asked me about Maddox and then quickly said, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it." WHOA. "IT?!" That IT is my kid. My perfectly miraculous kid. Now, maybe that person wasn't prepared for the answer... but, all friends hear this: Learn to change your thinking. If this momma is your friend, you've got to start focusing on new milestones. You know her tone, you know her so well. If she's pumped because her kid held himself up using his hands, you better react as if she just said her 11month old took his first steps. It's your duty.
7. Call just to ask about her marriage. Did you know that 75%-90% of marriages that involve a child with special needs end in divorce? Holy crap. Before this special baby came in, your friend had dreams of a perfect marriage, four kids, a house, a great job, etc. For many mommas, this comes crashing down towards the end of the first year of life for that amazing kid. Many families go into bankruptcy, can't imagine more kids, quit their jobs, and much more. This puts a strain on a marriage. It's safe to say that if there was something further back than the back burner, that's where the marriage ends up. Encourage her to spend time with that hubby. Even if it means offering to watch the baby. Yes, you can strategically plan it while the kid's sleeping. For that couple? Who cares if they eat at 3pm so you can be there while he sleeps. They need to get out. And they need to get out alone.
8. If there's something (medical) you don't understand, please ask! Our new life is medical terminology. In a matter of weeks we go from not knowing anything to knowing more than we ever imagined. Remember, he's our baby. If you want to know something, it won't offend us. I'd much rather explain than have you wonder.
9. Offer to help. Oh see, I get this all the time. "How can I help" and my first thought is "You can't" because it's so broad. Offer a specific like: "I'm going to the grocery store, walking in right now actually, text me 10 things you could use right now", "I'm free for the afternoon, can I come hang out and just fold clothes and visit?", "Need me to pick up any prescriptions this week so you don't have to?" The specifics are harder to turn down.
10. Love us. Love us with no judgement because no matter how close we are/were, you have no idea what this feels like and we hope so whole-heartedly that you never have to truly know what it's like. But, we'll have days that we're a complete psycho, days that we are so incredibly happy cause it's a good day, and all the types in between. Don't read in to our moods and look for cues that aren't there. We don't need another set of eyes. We need a shoulder and an ear.
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