It's that time

MRI

Those three letters have this cloud around them that I’ve never really understood until Maddox. This cloud that carries the most wide range of outcomes. See, with an MRI, there’s multiple feelings I get. The feelings are overwhelming and silencing.  And yet, it’s our time to finally have one. On Friday, Maddox will have his first MRI since he was in the NICU. Ever since bringing our wee tot home, we’ve been almost counting down to this time. But I’m not excited. I’m not nervous. I’m just torn.

You see, I haven’t been able to decide what I’m hoping for. That’s weird right? This has got to be a feeling that’s normal for mommas of HIE & CP babies. (by the way, some days it’s so incredibly easy to say that my child has Cerebral Palsy and other days it just sucks) It’s blatantly obvious that Maddox has something wrong with him. We all know that he has had brain damage at birth. So, with this MRI I just don’t know what I’m looking for as his momma.  If that MRI comes back saying nothing is wrong, I feel like that would almost make me mad. Like – hello! Obviously something is wrong! But then again, you don’t want to wish that something permanent is wrong with your baby’s brain!!!

It’s so confusing. In my mind I’m thinking that I want it to say that something specific is wrong. I want it to show that there’s a specific area that will be damaged so we can know what we’re looking at. If there’s a specific area damaged then we can work towards making that area stronger but if he can’t conquer it, I’ll know why.

It’s the unkowns with this kid that are so tough. I almost wish we weren’t having an MRI done at all. My thoughts are “we’ve got what we’re looking at”. Maddox’s abilities and inabilities are just what they present themselves as. This picture of his brain isn’t what will limit him. For me, whatever it says, is just a sentence on a page for us to work like hell to prove wrong. 

My fears are with the anesthesia. They’ve got to put my baby to sleep Friday. I hate that thought. I think I’ll always have a fear of anytime he has to be intubated, that he won’t be able to be taken off the oxygen. I fear anytime I take him in that something will change and I won’t bring him home. So, our prayers for this aren’t about the MRI or the results. It’s about the actual procedure. We won’t know results until later on and until then I’m not even going to think about them. For now, I’m prayerful for a smooth Friday. An in and out ordeal where we can just go right back home would be perfection.

The results? Like Scarlett said, “Fiddle-dee-dee!  I won’t worry about that today.  I’ll worry about that tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day”

Falling asleep at therapy is the best :)