9 months

The first year of life for a wee one is amazing isn't it? I'm trying to remember monthly milestones. This month has an underlying tone... exhaustion.

whew.

Dearest Maddox,
You are nine months of living proof that God answers prayer. You're proof in miracles. You're proof that love can come in any package. You're always going to be my test of strength. Not the same strength it takes to raise your brother, but my test of my strength while standing wholeheartedly in faith that bigger things are yet to come for you.

This month you are:
on more meds...
moving legs more independently while on your back
watching more intently from eyes to mouth
showing your extreme preference to be with your momma
a full 16 pounds
needing 9 month clothes (you're long kiddo)

and... that's a smile.
Geeze the emotion that just took over just writing that. I debated proclaiming this. It's not consistent and it hasn't been when just looking at me yet. It happens when I tickle your feet a very specific way. But it's enough of a grin to get me through these next few months. It's not real big and cheesy, but there's a precious dimple right below your nose and your eyes... those precious eyes are pure perfection. Oh my sweet babe. We were in the hospital with your first round of pneumonia and our amazing preacher Brother Steve had just left from visiting you. He prayed over you and as he left, I told him how I ached to see a smile across your face.  I was very honest in telling him that physical impairments are on the back burner for me. I needed to see that you were happy. He walked out and I started playing with you.

Here's the highlight of the past few months.

So, what next?
I'm praying daily to see that grin again and again. I'm prayerful that you'll look right at me and not need a tickle. That you'll just show me those big ole green beauties and smile.

love you Maddox-man

Hospitals

I saw this picture on a page for a husband who had a brain tumor and loved it. Absolutely loved it.

As I lay in the bed with Maddox sleeping across my chest, I realize how odd it is to feel at home in this hospital. I do not have a terminally ill child but I do have a special needs child. Sometimes that can hit you like a ton of bricks and sometimes it can bring the weirdest peace. Acceptance is a funny thing. Often I feel like this is the hardest thing to portray to "outsiders". (Anyone living outside the walls of my home) but acceptance really is the only way to get through.

I hate pneumonia. I hate being admitted. But there's no where I'd rather be. This is the hospital he began in and this is the hospital we thought we'd visit often during this first year. But this is the first time and he's almost nine months old. 

Today my heart is grateful for little things:

- this kid is coughing up green junk like a champ!

- the cool little cup they use for cpt rather than a hand

- an amazing nose sucker

- mommas who step in and step up to care for my Hudson when I can't

- a preacher who checks on is daily

- good friends

- an abundance of nurses who come by to see "their Maddox"

- rest... Even if it is in a hospital room

a week in the life

Monday- after a great week on soy formula, spit up returns for Maddox but he's still handling the feed well so I decided to slow the rate. Both boys stay home all day. We all three nap. Boys in bed by 9:30...Both in my bed by 3am.

Tuesday - boys go to daycare. I attempt to clean house. Lunch with another special needs mommy. Head to school to start working on my room. Take Maddox to therapy (Kyle meets us there this time) and meet with representative to measure Maddox and order his first medical equipment. Pick up hudson from daycare. Kyle leaves to go help body build a dog kennel. Put boys to bed only to have them both in my bed by 3am.

Wednesday - both boys stay home.it's a day of whining and playing. The weather is fabulous so we spend hours outside. Maddox thankfully sleeps in his swing for the third time in his life so I can play with hudson inn the glorious 75 degree July day. Kyle comes home from work and takes hudson with him to his brother's to finish the kennel. Maddox and I attempt walgreen's and taco bell... pretty much a screaming fail. My big boys get home at 10. Everyone asleep by 11. Only Thing 2 ends up in my bed at 4.

Thursday - boys to daycare. I spend time with a friend's two munchkins so she can meet with her boss. Head to Wal-Mart and post office. Back to school to paint. Take Maddox to therapy only to get there and have him sleep the whole time. Pick up Hudson, head home. Kyle's moon picks up Hudson for the night. Head to an open house for a medical day facility we are trying g to get Maddox in to. He cries and arches the whole time... I assume belly pain. Chick Fil A drive thru in the rain on the way home. Home to bed - Maddox sleeps with me, moans all night, overall just restless.

Friday - Hudson gets dropped off.  Maddox is hot. No fever. Cindy comes back after an appointment to get him so I can take Maddox to doctor. Talk to Blue Cross about insurance woes for about an hour. Head to doctor. Blood work and xrays later and we are headed to hospital with pneumonia.

Friday night- LOTS of attempts to get IV but no success (in the nurses's defense I told them to keep trying because the alternative was paid ful rocephen shots)

Is this every week? Nah. This is the first post nicu admit. But the rest is fairly normal. Add in feeding Thing Two every four hours, four AM meds and seven PM meds, baths and periodical sleep and that's life.

Am I romantic enough to blissfully say, "I wouldn't change one minute of it!"? HECK no. I'd change all of it if I could. But would I give any of it up? Nah. Life sucks some days. Life is great some days. But, it's my life and I love it. I go to bed not wanting to fall asleep because I know I've got to wake up and do it all over again but so exhausted that all I want is sleep.

tahdah

Hey, hud.

I want to remember today. It was a day just with Y-O-U. (And some friends, but no daddy or brother)

You started off so cranky. We went to the donut shop, you chose chocolate milk (you don't like chocolate milk) and drank to sips only to pitch a fit about wanting orange juice. We went to Walmart for wipes and left with half the store of course, but most importantly you picked Maddox out a toy. (You were impressed with yourself)

We met the Powell crew at the movie theater to watch the newest Dragon movie. You, still cranky, started out refusing to sit or listen. Thank goodness for popcorn and gummies!!! Your bud, Evan, was having an equally rough morning so everytime he got in trouble you'd turn to me and kiss me or tell me you were funny or tickle me. It's like you were trying to make sure you didn't get in trouble. During the movie you lightened up. You growled at the dragons and laughed at the funny parts. You sat in my lap and leaves so sweetly on my shoulder.

We went to lunch at ChikFilA. Your mouth was still kind of sore but you tried eating and handled it like a champ. Next was the Tree House Museum. I must say I wasn't impressed... But you were. I love seeing life through your eyes. Every little thing in there made you light up!

After the museum, we went to get our swimming suits to go swimming! You talked my ear off!!! You told me all about the movie and the toys and the swimming pool. We even had to call your daddy and tell him about the movie!!!

Swimming...sadly it's really the first time this year you've gotten to swim. We tend to bring the rain with is wherever we go. Today? Same story! But we swam in the rain. You were precious. You giggled and giggled. I tried to get you to jump in but you'd only do it holding my hand. When I tried to get you to do it alone you got so nervous and giggle more! When the rain got too thick, we got out and you insisted you tee tee outside IN THE RAIN!!! 

I mean! How perfect? Gah I love you kid!

We picked up Maddox and headed home. After laying on the living room floor in the quiet eating Cheetos you looked at me and said, "momma where Maddox toy? His turtle toy momma!" Oh be still my heart. You wanted him to have it so badly. I went to the car and got the light up toy. You helped get it out of the box and then "played with him" - showing him each color.

The night was just fun. You had no crankies or lingering mouth pain. You played hard all night and crashed even harder. 

I love you so much. You will NEVER know how I feel for you right this second. You drive me certifiably insane and make my heart melt all in five seconds. Thank you for a splendid day sweet boy. 

- your momma 

Another post about being tired and giving up

A blogging app means you get to blog in the tub. Tmi? Too bad. You chose to read this.

Tonight I yelled at my husband. There. It's out. Sure... We all yell. But tonight, I yelled and woke up the "on the mend" two year old. Today was a tough one though. I was needed constantly today. Some days I get tired of being needed.

Once the dust settled I was able to talk with Kyle. Sometimes I wonder why God creates us differently. Instincts are different and I can't be angry that he's created differently because that's all in the grand design right? Poor thing, he tries. He tries so hard and I never give enough credit. Nights are hard. We knew it'd be tough when we realized we were having kids 20 months apart but good grief!!! As the house sleeps, there's always someone crying in our house (sometimes it's just my turn). A couple nights ago with both kids crying and Kyle and I being in separate towns I found myself in the dark wondering why God doesn't just fix somebody. I don't even care who! Fix the strep throat, ANY thing on Maddox's list, one of kyles ailments, my exhaustion, etc. and then... (Thanks to Pinterest) I read this:

Well... Okay I give up. It's laid down for the umpteenth time. 

As I soaked tonight (we won't mention the last time I bathed, let alone soaked in the tub in quiet) I mindlessly wandered through the Instagram and Facebook feeds. And a status update brought me to tears. A guy I went to high school with talked about rocking his baby girl and how blessed he was. Then, this verse was listed:

 "I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!" Malachi 3:10 (NLT)

I'm tired. But I'm blessed. I've got a TON of support. I've got a husband who didn't yell back tonight but instead put Hudson back to bed. I've got parents and Inlaws who try to do anything they can. 

Most importantly... Time and time again I'm reminded that I have two precious boys given to me. And daily, I'm reminded I can't and shouldn't do this alone. This life, their life, our life... It's laid down.