There's a very special moment for mommas. It's a moment we long for. A moment I need. A moment that we hold so very dear to our hearts and our sanity rests upon that one moment. I'm not talking about the first day of school, first steps, or any of that.
For me, it's 11:15pm.
My house gets quiet. No one needs me. All four males that I live with are asleep. (Yes, even the dog) there's an eerie calm that takes over my whole world.
It's in this moment that my husband is relaxed. The weight of his job, current physical ailment, stress, etc is gone. It's in this moment that I stare at the video monitor that blares twinkle twinkle little star and watch Hudson sleep diagonally across his bed. In this brief moment, Maddox resembles him. He's sprawled out and so incredibly beautiful.
In this moment I realize why I love my life and being a wife to this man and a momma to these boys. It's my rest. It's my rejuvenation. This moment before I fall asleep and I get to see all my boys... It's when I get to remind myself how blessed I truly am.
Let's avoid the sappy vibes this month okay? Instead, I need you to know you're a ten month old. Do you hear that? Two more months and you'll be a year??? It's madness I tell you.
Here's what 10 months looks like on you:
- in 9mos clothes
- 4 full teeth, two nubs
- wearing your AFOs daily for 2-3hrs at a time
- completely off the dreaded topamax that made you angry and now on a new one that I currently can't remember the name of
- we've started fish oil for brain development and black seed oil to hopefully help with seizure activity.
- you're trying so hard to sit up! You can assisted but your head still gets heavy. Your muscle tone is improving.
- tummy time is getting better and better!
- when your hand touches something it automatically opens and you open it before it touches the floor in sitting position! And you're looking at the things you touch.
- there's a new "coo" happening! It's usually after a cough or when you're up on my shoulder. It's so sweet and so rare, but oh so beautiful.
- the smile still only comes when tickled (shaking your legs and butt) but it is getting to be bigger
- the worst thing that came with 10 months? The witching hour! You cry 30min-hour every stinking night between 5-8. There's no consoling you. Nothing fixes it. I need this to pass quickly!!!!
Your Gramma Terrie was proud - she got you all propped up!
one of the best so far
I love these toes, these feet, and that stupid tube. Oh, and this is a LeachCo Podster you're laying on... it's pretty fabulous.
be still my heart.
working hard!!!!
I love you kid. I love you so much it freaking hurts.
With each month that passes I realize just how lucky I am to be your momma. I learn patience thru your life. I am trying not to lose my mind and yet teach you to be calm and gentle. I must say in struggling. I spank your butt, put you in time out, and yell. This last week I've washed your mouth with soap. I've tried every Conscious Discipline technique I know and nothing works. I'm inconsistent and ridiculous.
But we are making it. You love to sing, kiss your brother and give me shuugs. You're my favorite 2.5 year old I know. You say prayers, please and thank you, and excuse me.
You're in to everything. You like to play Captain Hook and Jake simultaneously. You even empty toilet paper rolls to have a spyglass/microphone. You insist on cleaning up if Mister poops. You love the dirt, outside, "swimming at Wennys house", and starting to play baseball.
You sing! Oh how you sing! "Mary had a little lamb" "Jesus loves me" "stand up for Jesus" "wheels on the bus" etc etc etc!!!
And you talk. And talk. I love it. You can tell me what hurts, what you want and what you don't, and you can tell me you love me. You know everyone's name and tell me all about your day at school. You tell me you want to go to church. You are my main squeeze.
I always want you to know how much I love you. You really do drive me beautifully insane. I want so badly for you to love this life we have. I want you to always love your brother and your daddy. Today I asked you, "Hudson, one day will you let Jesus live in your heart?" You said "sure momma, my heart is right here. Jesus gonna be there."
You are my big boy. My first main squeeze. I adore you... And that buzz cut.
I love our church. It's that simple. I love what the people inside those four walls believe in and stand for. I admire the man (and his wife) leading that congregation. I am grateful we have a home.
The past two weeks, there have been songs that hit me hard. Music does that, ya know? Music is something I'm not talented with but songs get me. Of course, in this stage in my life, they all seem to relate to Maddox and our journey. God is constantly telling me to just hold on and my answers will come. I can't make it through a church service without tears. I'm turning in to my mother. (haha)
When our preacher posts the podcast of today's sermon, I'm posting it. And, if you read this right now, listen to the podcast when I post it. It was fan-freakin-tastic. And it was so absolutely perfect.
Our worship leader sang this today. I've seen Fireproof. I think it's cheesy and yet, everytime it's on TV, I watch it. The music is good and the storyline is, too. And, let's be honest, Kirk Cameron crying is heartwarming (and even comical on a certain days). But, in all the times I've heard this song, I've never made it applicable to me. To us.
It's hard to explain how I feel toward God. I'm so grateful for my Hudson. I'm grateful for his life, his energy, his stubbornness, his giggle, his... just him. And then there's Maddox. I have so many questions about him. I feel weird to say that I'm grateful for the journey, but I am. I hate (you hear me? HATE) that this journey is his, but I can't help but be grateful for what it's done. In the moments of my life when I feel like I would question "why" more than ever, I'm most accepting of whatever comes. It's because I know that God Is Able (reference to that sermon you're gonna have to listen to soon).
I feel like all posts start to sound a like. "Maddox is doing okay. Maddox is awesome. Maddox is this that and the other. God is good. He's good to us. I'm going to trust. yada yada yada"
But, it's the Truth.
Is God good because my son will probably have a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy? Do I like THAT? No. But, God is good because my life is the hardest it has ever been and yet I can still get out of bed. God is good because once upon a time I thought my life was going to be meant for travel and big adventures and amazing stories of far off places, but yet He's proving to me that my life is to be a momma. Am I grateful to God because he's made me and Kyle have to endure a life we'd never hoped for the last nine months? Is this some rip-roaring good time? Good grief, no. But, He is good because we have made it. I know that that man is gonna love me when I'm weak, kiss me when I don't deserve it, and sit back and take it when I need to yell. I go to bed at night grateful that God game me that Kyle of mine. I'm grateful because that Kyle of mine kneels with me at the alter while holding our Maddox and prays over him tearfully with me.
So, if you read this, know that I had a plan. I had big plans. But good grief, being forced to sit back and accept a bigger plan is humbling, exciting, terrifying, exhausting, and terribly awesome.
