The past two weeks, there have been songs that hit me hard. Music does that, ya know? Music is something I'm not talented with but songs get me. Of course, in this stage in my life, they all seem to relate to Maddox and our journey. God is constantly telling me to just hold on and my answers will come. I can't make it through a church service without tears. I'm turning in to my mother. (haha)
When our preacher posts the podcast of today's sermon, I'm posting it. And, if you read this right now, listen to the podcast when I post it. It was fan-freakin-tastic. And it was so absolutely perfect.
Our worship leader sang this today. I've seen Fireproof. I think it's cheesy and yet, everytime it's on TV, I watch it. The music is good and the storyline is, too. And, let's be honest, Kirk Cameron crying is heartwarming (and even comical on a certain days). But, in all the times I've heard this song, I've never made it applicable to me. To us.
It's hard to explain how I feel toward God. I'm so grateful for my Hudson. I'm grateful for his life, his energy, his stubbornness, his giggle, his... just him. And then there's Maddox. I have so many questions about him. I feel weird to say that I'm grateful for the journey, but I am. I hate (you hear me? HATE) that this journey is his, but I can't help but be grateful for what it's done. In the moments of my life when I feel like I would question "why" more than ever, I'm most accepting of whatever comes. It's because I know that God Is Able (reference to that sermon you're gonna have to listen to soon).
I feel like all posts start to sound a like. "Maddox is doing okay. Maddox is awesome. Maddox is this that and the other. God is good. He's good to us. I'm going to trust. yada yada yada"
But, it's the Truth.
Is God good because my son will probably have a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy? Do I like THAT? No. But, God is good because my life is the hardest it has ever been and yet I can still get out of bed. God is good because once upon a time I thought my life was going to be meant for travel and big adventures and amazing stories of far off places, but yet He's proving to me that my life is to be a momma. Am I grateful to God because he's made me and Kyle have to endure a life we'd never hoped for the last nine months? Is this some rip-roaring good time? Good grief, no. But, He is good because we have made it. I know that that man is gonna love me when I'm weak, kiss me when I don't deserve it, and sit back and take it when I need to yell. I go to bed at night grateful that God game me that Kyle of mine. I'm grateful because that Kyle of mine kneels with me at the alter while holding our Maddox and prays over him tearfully with me.
So, if you read this, know that I had a plan. I had big plans. But good grief, being forced to sit back and accept a bigger plan is humbling, exciting, terrifying, exhausting, and terribly awesome.
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